- fakers -

Dr. Pok: No you can't make it. You're not well-prepared physically and mentally.

Dr. Lim: You take STPM? That's very suicidal!

Maybe they're right. I belong to PPUM.

In class:
"I didn't study. I watch movie the whole night."
"I didn't study, I sleep at 9pm last night!"
"I didn't study. I play game until 2am."
"I didn't study, I go out with my family."

Fakers.

True words from me:
I didn't study in PPUM, because:
-Doctors kacau me every morning and afternoon.

-At night patients at other beds screamed or snorred or moaned.

-Every midnight doctors will inject antibiotics that are damn painful until I woke up.

-Sometimes devoted Christians will force me to listen to their 'sound of God' even though I was sleeping.

-Nurses take blood pressure reading and body temperature every few hours.

-Medical students finding prey for their practical assignments and I was interviewed nth times.

-Doctor likes my blood and I can't sit still when they're coming.

-My branulas always get blocked and I need new ones constantly. Waiting for doctors is also a torture.

-If need x-ray or CT scan I need to fast for the whole day and I sleep to forget the hunger.

-Boring student nurses like to find people about their age to talk to. Unfortunately I became their prey.

Don't ever say that crabby is sooooo free in the hospital and can study for whole day long without any disturbance.

You just simply don't understand.

I need space, I need a lot of time.

- you cried, and I'm sorry -

(I won't update posts about my life in hospital shortly, please be patient)

I'm back.

After 29 days in hospital, I stood at the entrance of Menara Utama waiting for my aunt, suddenly realized that I haven't be under direct sunshine and I've been only 'blow air-cond' for one whole month.

I thought it's urgent, since Mr. Lim called me up. Even though Prof Chin and Dr. Pok strongly against my wish to have my exam in Kota Bharu, they still 'set me free'.

Prof Chin: I can write letter for you, you'll have your exam in the ward.
Dr Pok: No you can't make it. You're not prepared physically and mentally.
Me: I want to go back. I promise you I will come back here immediately if anything happens.
Prof Chin and Dr Pok sighed.

Here I am, in U6SP, waiting for the graduation ceremony.

She hugged me tightly, really tightly. She cried. Tears don't drop on my uniform.

I wanna cry. I've been longing to join the graduation ceremony so much, and I almost missed the chance.

I don't know what to say. She prefers me to stay in hospital, instead of coming back at my own risk.

Graduation ceremony is over now. No one can steal my graduation ceremony!

I've hugged a lot of teachers, including Ms Lee.

But the happiest moment is the whole class hugged Mr. Lim.

Hey guys I won't be able to send you all the photos, maybe after exam ok? It takes time to attach the photos eh~Sorry har. But if use pendrives faster lor~

- I'm sorry -

Just now I had a conversation with Ms. Wong.

Ms. Wong: So how is your studies? Do you think you can catch up?
Me: No I can't catch up. Everything seems new to me now. I know the questions look familiar but I can't solve it.
Ms. Wong: Isn't there anyone who offer help? Any friends?
Me: I don't think so because now is the critical period and everybody is busy with their own stuff. I dare not disturb them.
Ms. Wong: Never mind I know you can overcome this. Don't tell me a ex-science-one student will ever face problem in studies.
Me: ...

I know I need help. I need it desperately.

But what can I do?

Exam is really around the corner.

Everyone's striving for the best result they can get.

Even the atmosphere in class changes. I see more and more people flipping through pages and paying attention to the lessons now.

I can't approach for any help. You're too busy. You have your own studies and timetable to follow.

A weak in studies friend will only pull you down.

You have your own exercises to do, you have your own notes to read, you have your own test papers to complete, you have your lessons to follow.

I have piles of homework that I don't know how to do. I have blank papers due to absence. I don't have test papers because I don't even finish the syllabus. I sit stupidly on my seat because no one tell me what's going on throughout the lessons.

I almost forgot the fact that I'm science one student. I was nurtured under extreme pressure and I'm a survivor of intensive academic brain training. I also survived from brain damaging homeworks.

But now? It's not the same anymore.

I'm now a lousy form six student who constantly fail certain papers and receive 'TH' for ALL my trial instead of 0 mark.

To make myself feel better, I take TH as 'Too High' instead of 'Tidak Hadir'.

The name of 'Science One', it's too heavy for me.

Sorry I disappoint you all.

P/S: I'm going to KL tomorrow, admit to UMMC this thurs. Wish me good luck!

- The evil truth -

I'm blank.

I stared at the board, trying to remain my calmness.

I wanna scream, I wanna tear up the paper, I wanna let the rain wash away the rust in my brain.

I stared back at the paper.

The questions look so familiar. I know they look easy. I know I used to solve it within minutes.

I still remember Zhen Jee and I do probability density function questions last year during mooncake festival night. I still remember that we had a small party over my house that night. I still remember the taste of 'teabag eggs' that my mum cook that night.

But I've forgotten the ways to solve the questions.

I'm such an idiot!

STPM is just 56 days away, and I won't be able to cover the syllabus even if I do one chapter revision everyday.

What makes things worse is I'm going back to UMMC on Wednesday. I don't know the results and I really hope that no more hospital life.

That really sucks!

Homework are piling up like mountain, undone revision is burdening.

I can visualise myself struggling through the pages, leaving blank one page after another. The tie is suffocating me and I'm sweating profusely not because of the atmosphere, but the questions that are torturing my brain.

I start to plan that I'm not going to take my results during March, and I can visualise some of my friends smiling widely, posing for reporters, and newspapers filled with their 'secret to success'.

You may say I'm thinking too much, but that's what playing inside a Pisces brain, over and over again.

I'm stressed. I don't have time. I don't have energy. I'm not prepared for anything.

Even when I'm typing this, I can hear the mockings from certain people.

The truth, is cruel.

- Life at hospital -

Hospital is just pure hell to me. Most of the time I'm in extreme pain, holding a little tray in front of me, vomiting out mouthfuls of weird green liquid, sitting next to the toilet due to diarrhea, with intravenous drip attached to me due to dehydration.



Well, that's me in hospital.



I can't take pain well, and that's why I take a lot of painkiller injections. It suppose to be one injection per 8 hours, but I've taken four in two hours time. It's overdose, but what can I do? There're also nurse who inject morphine. And after all those injections I got blue blacks all around my arm. I can't lift up my arm after 1 week in hospital as my arms swollen.



I know I'm the noisiest patient in the ward. I cursed with every vulgar words I know when I'm in pain, until the patient next bed helped me to call the nurse. I called for painkiller 5 times(at most)for one night and get scolded by the nurse. But really, most of the nurses are fierce and unfriendly when I asked for painkiller, except one.



Due to lack of bed, I was transferred from general ward to gynecology ward. At first I feel nothing but later I realised that I was wrong. There're many 3rd and 4th year medical students interviewing patients, and after interviewing the answers were same: hey this is gyne ward why are you here? Suddenly I thought of this: What will people think of me when they see a very young patient in gyne ward? I was transferred 4 times between 7th floor and 10th floor, and the last time I changed the nurse recognized me: I know you! You're the one who ask for many many painkillers!



As I was required to undergo a series of tests, I need to fast for many many long hours. From past experience I know for endoscopy test I can only drink plain water, but for another intestinal test even water is forbidden. I wasn't aware of it and continue to drink jugs of water to clean my intestine but puke out everything. The nurse scolded me: "Kau tak tahu ke puasa maksud tak boleh minum air?!" Haiz of course I don't know lar~



I admit most of the time I didn't eat. Whenever I saw the food I would immediately wonder what it'll look like when I puke it out. And that caused me to lost my appetite and lost weight as well. I know I've lost weight because everyone say so.

My next visit to the hospital will be 1st of Oct to get my biopsy and blood test results. I really don't wanna be admitted again. That sucks.


Anyway, I'm home now.


And it's good to be at home.

- bye bye -

Hi friends~

I'm going to hospital again, so I'll not be able to update this blog.

Before I forgot, hope you all have a happy trial!

Besides, please entertain me with some messages.

I'll will try to study, if possible at hospital.

Wish me good luck!!!

- Phew! -

It's 3 am in the morning.

I just finished my stupid poster.

Phew! Finally can have a good night rest.

I need a good rest...